TRACK-BY-TRACK REVIEW OF ‘RUN THE JEWELS 2’

1. ‘Jeopardy’: when Mike’s yelling at me totally unprovoked, I’m thinking “This truly is this month’s bookend to ‘1989’.” I’m a huge fan of the line in which Mike admits to being excited by kale, which really is the wonder-thistle. Also partial to Jamie’s rap about sucking monsters’ vaginas.

2. What I love about the phat beat on this little pony, ‘Oh My Darling Don’t Cry’, is that it sounds like a chronically, cripplingly shy teen copping his first significant feel: “Darling, da-da-darling, d-d-da-d-da-d-da-darling.” Very poignant.

3. ‘Blockbuster Night, Part 1’ earns thumbs for its canastas, but my idea of a “Blockbuster” Night is me at 16 scanning and bagging a plethora of porn rentals for furtive, wispy-haired, middle-aged men (R.I.P. Blockbuster Video, though).

4. ‘Close your Eyes (and Count to Fuck)’ is great for the way Killer M links “liars and politicians” with “conjugal visits” through syntax and syntax alone. This is rap without a net.

5. ‘All My Life’ has a very humorous “pew-pew-pew” sound effect which really transports me to the Captain’s Bride on the Starship I-Don’t-Give-a-Shit (honestly, this song be a 3 minute waste of time before ‘Lie, Cheat, Steal’ explodes. What WART).

6. ‘Lie, Cheat, Steal’ is a truly wonderful song, and I rankle at the thought of someone making even the slightest fun of it.

7. ‘Early’ features Boots, much like many war films. On a serious note, though, Boots is the producer who gave Beyoncé edge at the start of the year by lacing her fem-nominal album “Beyoncé” with recordings of true-life space tragedies. Factually this isn’t exactly true, but I’m not gonna lose much sleep.

8. All due respect to ‘All Due Respect’! Love those cabana nights bongos, and Jamie spits all over this joint like spitting was socially acceptable (it isn’t, and Jamie should really consider whether this mode of delivery sits well with him. He should also be ashamed of the euphemism “joint”).

9. ‘Love Again’: whimsical reflection on a (presumably married) couple’s compunction to suck each other’s junk. This is the album’s heart.

10. through 12. Just gangbusters, really. Please buy a copy tonight.

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